From Bargaining to Being : The Journey of Value Transformation

When I was in second grade, I forged my father’s signature to cover up a low score on one of my weekly tests.

Eventually, I got caught, and my parents were called to the school. I was scolded in front of my classmates and their parents, leaving me devastated. In that moment, I learned that I needed to score well to avoid such embarrassment again. This experience shows how, as a child, I believed that achieving good grades was necessary to avoid being laughed at or embarrassed in front of others.

As children, we struggle to comprehend anything beyond immediate pleasure or pain. We can’t feel empathy. Our identity revolves around what brings pleasure and what helps avoid pain. In adolescence, while the knowledge of pleasure and pain remains, it no longer solely dictates our decisions. We begin to balance personal feelings with an understanding of rules, trade-offs, and the social order around us.

“If I wear this, will I look cool?” “If I pretend to enjoy this music genre , will I be popular?” Adolescents often see life as a series of bargains: “I will study for this long so I can watch TV without anyone nagging.” “I will lie and pretend to be nice so I don’t have to deal with conflict.”Nothing is done for its own sake. Everything is a calculated transaction, usually driven by fear of negative consequences. Everything is a means to some kind of pleasurable end.

The problem is that this approach prevents you from standing for something beyond yourself. You remain a child, just a bit cleverer and more sophisticated.

Eventually, we need to realize that the most precious things in life cannot be gained through bargaining and are, by definition, non-transactional. Attempting to bargain for them destroys them. You cannot conspire for happiness. It’s impossible. There are no rules to happiness. You don’t want to bargain with your mother for love, or your friends for companionship or your boss for respect.

While people who navigate life through bargaining can get far in the material world, they remain crippled and alone in their emotional world. Its simply because transactional values create bonds that are built upon manipulation.

Adulthood is the realisation that sometimes an abstract principle is right and good for its own sake, that, even if if it hurts you today, even if it hurts, others, being honest is still the right choice. Just as an adolescent learns there’s more to life than immediate pleasure, an adult understands there’s more to world than constant bargaining for validation and satisfaction

An adolescent will say that he values honesty only because he has learned that saying so yields good results. However, in challenging situations, they resort to white lies. An adult on the other hand will be honest with the simple sake that honesty is more important than his own pleasure or pain. Honesty is more important than getting what you want. Honesty is an end in itself, not a means to another end.

I have met many people my age and older who are stuck in the adolescent stage of values. It’s understandable because acting unconditionally is difficult. We live in an environment that constantly tells us this is how the world works. You try to be kind to everyone, but often, you won’t be met with kindness in return. That’s fine, too. The point is that kindness is a value to you only when you realize it is an end, not a means to another end. Kindness is valuable in and of itself.

The principled values of adulthood are unconditional — that is they cannot be reached through any other means. They are ends in and of themselves.

What I should have realized in school is that even if I had gotten away with something, it’s not the embarrassment that’s worrying. At the end of the day, I would feel worse about myself for not being honest with myself and people who care for me. This remains true as we grow up. It’s not society or other people who haunt you; more often, you have to face just yourself.

The only things in life of real value and meaning are achieved without conditions, without transactions. There are plenty of grown-up children in the world and many aging adolescents. There are even some young adults out there. That’s because, past a certain point, maturity has nothing to do with age. What matters are a person’s intentions. The difference between a child and adolescent and an adult is not their age or what they do, but why they do it.

In the end, growth is about understanding that some values and principles are worth upholding for their own sake. It’s about realizing that integrity, kindness, and honesty are not just strategies to achieve something else — they are the essence of an authentic life.

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This article was inspired by the profound insights found in the works of Mark Manson, particularly in exploring themes related to values and personal growth. While drawing from Manson’s perspectives, I’ve also woven in my own reflections and experiences to further explore these concepts.